Rearing children can be a very tricky balance. If we don't set high enough expectations for appropriate behavior, they can end up lacking in self control, something that will clearly compromise their overall emotional intelligence functioning. On the other hand, parental rigidity, harshness and overly tight standards leave little room for learning from mistakes or (and this is the most critical) parent-child warmth. Warmth combined with realistic and clear expectations provide the best combination for a child's development. That's easy to say but how does this play out in practice? Should you force them to eat the foods you like to eat that they don't like? What's a reasonable expectation for chores at different ages? Should a child be forced to continue playing a sport he or she dislikes? Unfortunately, there's not a one-size fits-all answer to any of these questions. But, if you encourage your child's self-awareness and assertiveness, then you can have honest conversations between you and your children and you'll get the feedback you need from them to make wiser parenting decisions.
Take an example that occurred when my daughter was three and a half. The temperature was in the high 40s and my daughter was headed outside to play in our backyard. I grabbed her winter coat and held it out for her. She looked at me and said, "No, mommy, no. Too hot!" She didn't scream, didn't throw a tantrum and didn't say anything rude. But, she was expressing a very clear opinion in a way that did not hurt someone else! That's the very definition of assertiveness. We should teach kids this kind of assertiveness and allow them to express feelings, opinions and thoughts. This will help us as parents know if our expectations get impossibly high, our rigidity has kicked in too strongly, or our opinion (about clothing or anything else)doesn't work for them. Children will learn to give us appropriate feedback that can help us understand them better. Understand though, I'm not saying give in to every assertive statement. But, you do need to listen to it and then use your judgment. I asked my daughter which jacket she thought would be best and she picked a lighter weight jacket. I suggested she come back inside for the warmer one if she needed it. She never came back for the warmer one. Her body temperature runs hotter than mine and she knew what she needed. I just had to be willing to listen and not always be right just because I'm her mother. (And by the way, I had already asked her pediatrician if kids can get sick if they get too cold. The answer I got was a definitive no. They can worse if they are already sick and get too cold, but that's a completely different scenario than what I faced that day.)
