Twice in the last week I've heard an adult comment about how tough it is to be a 13 year old girl (and, therefore, how hard it can be to parent them!). What's going on with girls in the early teen years that makes it so tough? Peers, peers, peers. Peer pressure at this age is enormous (stylish clothes, cool phone, etc.). And then there's relational aggression (RA) which is common among teen girls. RA refers to using relationships (e.g., you can/cannot be in "our" group; you won't be popular unless you do x, y or z; we'll make it so no one speaks to you if you go after that guy)to threaten or control someone. While it's difficult to understand why friends would do this to each other, it's more common then you think among teenage girls, even when they claim to be friends.
So, how can emotional intelligence help a young woman at this age, especially if she is the target of relational aggression? First, she needs to project self regard (i.e. confidence) by making eye contact, remaining calm, and facing her peers with a determined look. And, she needs to be assertive -- too passive makes her a good target and too aggressive will hurt others and also lets them know they've gotten to you. Help her craft strong but calm statements to use such as "stop that" or "say whatever you want to believe" or "I don't want to fight with you." A great list of statements can be found in Bullyproof Your Child for Life by Joel Haber. Finally, teach her to have empathy for others (understand their perspective and their emotions) so that she won't use relational aggression herself!
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