Twice in the last week I've heard an adult comment about how tough it is to be a 13 year old girl (and, therefore, how hard it can be to parent them!). What's going on with girls in the early teen years that makes it so tough? Peers, peers, peers. Peer pressure at this age is enormous (stylish clothes, cool phone, etc.). And then there's relational aggression (RA) which is common among teen girls. RA refers to using relationships (e.g., you can/cannot be in "our" group; you won't be popular unless you do x, y or z; we'll make it so no one speaks to you if you go after that guy)to threaten or control someone. While it's difficult to understand why friends would do this to each other, it's more common then you think among teenage girls, even when they claim to be friends.
So, how can emotional intelligence help a young woman at this age, especially if she is the target of relational aggression? First, she needs to project self regard (i.e. confidence) by making eye contact, remaining calm, and facing her peers with a determined look. And, she needs to be assertive -- too passive makes her a good target and too aggressive will hurt others and also lets them know they've gotten to you. Help her craft strong but calm statements to use such as "stop that" or "say whatever you want to believe" or "I don't want to fight with you." A great list of statements can be found in Bullyproof Your Child for Life by Joel Haber. Finally, teach her to have empathy for others (understand their perspective and their emotions) so that she won't use relational aggression herself!
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
What is EI?
Emotional intelligence involves an array of skills and abilities that help us understand and manage our own emotions, understand the emotions of others and relate to others effectively.
Research with professional in a variety of occupations -- from teachers to salespeople to corporate CEOs -- shows that certain elements of emotional intelligence can distinguish between "stars" and "average" performers in most occupations. If you want to know more about this research, you'll find a lot of it in The EQ Edge authored by Stein and Book.
The Collaborative for Academic Social and Emotional Learning (CASEL) includes research on their website that shows that children perform better in school on achievement tests, engage in less negative behavior and are less likely to be suspended if they participate in a program designed to teach social and emotional intelligence in the classroom. WOW! I think most of us want these results for our children and all children. If you want to learn more about emotional intelligence, go to http://kidsemtoionalintelligence.com
Research with professional in a variety of occupations -- from teachers to salespeople to corporate CEOs -- shows that certain elements of emotional intelligence can distinguish between "stars" and "average" performers in most occupations. If you want to know more about this research, you'll find a lot of it in The EQ Edge authored by Stein and Book.
The Collaborative for Academic Social and Emotional Learning (CASEL) includes research on their website that shows that children perform better in school on achievement tests, engage in less negative behavior and are less likely to be suspended if they participate in a program designed to teach social and emotional intelligence in the classroom. WOW! I think most of us want these results for our children and all children. If you want to learn more about emotional intelligence, go to http://kidsemtoionalintelligence.com
Monday, July 19, 2010
Waiting Room Blues
The little boy was about 2 1/2 years old. He was "waiting" with his mother and older brother while his dad had surgery. Like most two-year old children, he had lots of extra energy and nothing to do with it in this waiting room. So, he got down on the floor and started crawling under chairs. His mom grabbed him by one arm, pulled him up, sat him in a chair and instructed him to "sit still." I felt for her -- she complained out loud of being tired after working a late shift and then getting only 2 hours sleep before having to get up to have her husband at the hospital. But, I felt even more for the 2 year old.
EMPATHY was all that was needed. The mother would have saved herself much frustration if she had understood ahead of time that two-year olds need things to entertain them and then brought some toys along. Two year olds don't just "sit still" because we want them to do so! Empathy involves understanding others and their feelings. If we are empathic, we usually adjust our own behavior in appropriate ways to someone else's needs or emotions. I tried to show empathy to both the mom and her little boy by what I did next.
I looked around the waiting room and spotted a book. When the little boy was allowed to get down from the chair, I invited him to read a book I found in the waiting room. Then we played a tickle game. After that, he went and spent some time on his mother's lap. Then she suggested they go to the gift shop and buy a toy. The 2 1/2 year old came back with a toy car which he and his older brother played with for the next 30 minutes. This simple gesture of understanding his feelings and then providing a toy for play helped all of them have a much better day.
EMPATHY was all that was needed. The mother would have saved herself much frustration if she had understood ahead of time that two-year olds need things to entertain them and then brought some toys along. Two year olds don't just "sit still" because we want them to do so! Empathy involves understanding others and their feelings. If we are empathic, we usually adjust our own behavior in appropriate ways to someone else's needs or emotions. I tried to show empathy to both the mom and her little boy by what I did next.
I looked around the waiting room and spotted a book. When the little boy was allowed to get down from the chair, I invited him to read a book I found in the waiting room. Then we played a tickle game. After that, he went and spent some time on his mother's lap. Then she suggested they go to the gift shop and buy a toy. The 2 1/2 year old came back with a toy car which he and his older brother played with for the next 30 minutes. This simple gesture of understanding his feelings and then providing a toy for play helped all of them have a much better day.
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