Understanding (Showing Empathy) for a 2 Year Old

We had prepared our 2 year old daughter for the rearrangement of her room. The sofa was going to be moved to the attic so we could move in a regular bed and toy shelf. My husband and our friend had the sofa stuck in the doorway when our daughter burst into tears. "Leigh, are you sad about losing the sofa?" I inquired. She nodded her head through loud sobs. But, I thought to myself, we talked about this and prepared her for it. She was excited. What's happened, I wondered. As I waited for her to calm down -- while my husband and our friend tried to loosen the stuck sofa -- I wondered what could be wrong. She was too upset to tell me so I just held her while she cried. As she began to calm down, she stated, "I know Mommy, we'll go to the attic to read." Of course! Because two year olds reason differently than adults, she believed if the sofa left the room, bedtime stories would leave with it. I took her hand and we crawled under the sofa that was still stuck in the doorway. "We can read somewhere else," I said. She spotted her new bean bag chair and pointed to it. I grabbed a book and we sat down and read. Her tears subsided and the sofa, finally unstuck, was taken to the attic.

The above story demonstrates empathy, or understanding someone else's perspective. Yes, I had told my daughter about the sofa move. And, I could have reminded her of that when she began crying. But, I wanted to UNDERSTAND why she was crying. By being patient, I learned what her real fear was -- not getting to read -- and we quickly addressed that fear.

Empathy, or trying to understand someone else's perspective, is a fundamental emotional intelligence skill. Model it for your children and they will be sure to learn this valuable skill.

Is Your Child Being Bullied?

Unfortunately, bullying can begin at a very young age, long before some children have even heard the word "bully." Children who are the targets of bullies tend to be different in some way -- a different race or religion, an unusual physical characteristic, or even just very shy. Bullies tend to target kids who they believe will not stand up for themselves. That's why it's important to teach your child ASSERTIVENESS (see previous post on this topic) and to encourage them to stand up to bullies with clear, firm, and appropriate statements like "leave me alone" or "stop that right now." While some bullies may persist, most do not continue to target someone who is assertive and confident (SELF REGARD must be strong to withstand a bully's attack). Instead, the bully will seek an easier target, one who visibly reacts to the bullying by being upset or engaging in behavior that reinforces the bully (walking away with head down, avoiding eye contact, etc.).

How can you tell if your child is bullied? Younger children may tell you about bullying behavior, even if they don't label it as such. Most children, however, don't tell an adult because they are embarrassed or fear strong retaliation from the bully. So, watch for signs of trying to avoid school (stomache, headache), pleading not to ride the bus, coming home and rushing to the bathroom or being very hungry (the bathroom and cafeteria are some of the top locations for bullying behavior), frequently "losing" their lunch money (it may have been taken by the bully),a drop in grades or interest in school, and more withdrawn behavior at home. Over time, being bullied can rob a child of SELF-REGARD, OPTIMISM, and HAPPINESS, three key areas of emotional intelligence. Learning to react ASSERTIVELY (NOT aggressively!) to the bullying is the best defense.

If you think your child may be a bully's target, read some of the more highly-rated books on bullying and how to help your child overcome it. You cannot stop the bullying by your actions alone though. You must also equip your child with the right tools to successfully stand up to a bully.

The Right Amount of Assertiveness

Rearing children can be a very tricky balance. If we don't set high enough expectations for appropriate behavior, they can end up lacking in self control, something that will clearly compromise their overall emotional intelligence functioning. On the other hand, parental rigidity, harshness and overly tight standards leave little room for learning from mistakes or (and this is the most critical) parent-child warmth. Warmth combined with realistic and clear expectations provide the best combination for a child's development. That's easy to say but how does this play out in practice? Should you force them to eat the foods you like to eat that they don't like? What's a reasonable expectation for chores at different ages? Should a child be forced to continue playing a sport he or she dislikes? Unfortunately, there's not a one-size fits-all answer to any of these questions. But, if you encourage your child's self-awareness and assertiveness, then you can have honest conversations between you and your children and you'll get the feedback you need from them to make wiser parenting decisions.

Take an example that occurred when my daughter was three and a half. The temperature was in the high 40s and my daughter was headed outside to play in our backyard. I grabbed her winter coat and held it out for her. She looked at me and said, "No, mommy, no. Too hot!" She didn't scream, didn't throw a tantrum and didn't say anything rude. But, she was expressing a very clear opinion in a way that did not hurt someone else! That's the very definition of assertiveness. We should teach kids this kind of assertiveness and allow them to express feelings, opinions and thoughts. This will help us as parents know if our expectations get impossibly high, our rigidity has kicked in too strongly, or our opinion (about clothing or anything else)doesn't work for them. Children will learn to give us appropriate feedback that can help us understand them better. Understand though, I'm not saying give in to every assertive statement. But, you do need to listen to it and then use your judgment. I asked my daughter which jacket she thought would be best and she picked a lighter weight jacket. I suggested she come back inside for the warmer one if she needed it. She never came back for the warmer one. Her body temperature runs hotter than mine and she knew what she needed. I just had to be willing to listen and not always be right just because I'm her mother. (And by the way, I had already asked her pediatrician if kids can get sick if they get too cold. The answer I got was a definitive no. They can worse if they are already sick and get too cold, but that's a completely different scenario than what I faced that day.)

13 Year Old Girls

Twice in the last week I've heard an adult comment about how tough it is to be a 13 year old girl (and, therefore, how hard it can be to parent them!). What's going on with girls in the early teen years that makes it so tough? Peers, peers, peers. Peer pressure at this age is enormous (stylish clothes, cool phone, etc.). And then there's relational aggression (RA) which is common among teen girls. RA refers to using relationships (e.g., you can/cannot be in "our" group; you won't be popular unless you do x, y or z; we'll make it so no one speaks to you if you go after that guy)to threaten or control someone. While it's difficult to understand why friends would do this to each other, it's more common then you think among teenage girls, even when they claim to be friends.

So, how can emotional intelligence help a young woman at this age, especially if she is the target of relational aggression? First, she needs to project self regard (i.e. confidence) by making eye contact, remaining calm, and facing her peers with a determined look. And, she needs to be assertive -- too passive makes her a good target and too aggressive will hurt others and also lets them know they've gotten to you. Help her craft strong but calm statements to use such as "stop that" or "say whatever you want to believe" or "I don't want to fight with you." A great list of statements can be found in Bullyproof Your Child for Life by Joel Haber. Finally, teach her to have empathy for others (understand their perspective and their emotions) so that she won't use relational aggression herself!

What is EI?

Emotional intelligence involves an array of skills and abilities that help us understand and manage our own emotions, understand the emotions of others and relate to others effectively.

Research with professional in a variety of occupations -- from teachers to salespeople to corporate CEOs -- shows that certain elements of emotional intelligence can distinguish between "stars" and "average" performers in most occupations. If you want to know more about this research, you'll find a lot of it in The EQ Edge authored by Stein and Book.

The Collaborative for Academic Social and Emotional Learning (CASEL) includes research on their website that shows that children perform better in school on achievement tests, engage in less negative behavior and are less likely to be suspended if they participate in a program designed to teach social and emotional intelligence in the classroom. WOW! I think most of us want these results for our children and all children. If you want to learn more about emotional intelligence, go to http://kidsemtoionalintelligence.com

Waiting Room Blues

The little boy was about 2 1/2 years old. He was "waiting" with his mother and older brother while his dad had surgery. Like most two-year old children, he had lots of extra energy and nothing to do with it in this waiting room. So, he got down on the floor and started crawling under chairs. His mom grabbed him by one arm, pulled him up, sat him in a chair and instructed him to "sit still." I felt for her -- she complained out loud of being tired after working a late shift and then getting only 2 hours sleep before having to get up to have her husband at the hospital. But, I felt even more for the 2 year old.

EMPATHY was all that was needed. The mother would have saved herself much frustration if she had understood ahead of time that two-year olds need things to entertain them and then brought some toys along. Two year olds don't just "sit still" because we want them to do so! Empathy involves understanding others and their feelings. If we are empathic, we usually adjust our own behavior in appropriate ways to someone else's needs or emotions. I tried to show empathy to both the mom and her little boy by what I did next.

I looked around the waiting room and spotted a book. When the little boy was allowed to get down from the chair, I invited him to read a book I found in the waiting room. Then we played a tickle game. After that, he went and spent some time on his mother's lap. Then she suggested they go to the gift shop and buy a toy. The 2 1/2 year old came back with a toy car which he and his older brother played with for the next 30 minutes. This simple gesture of understanding his feelings and then providing a toy for play helped all of them have a much better day.